It’s Tuesday and I came back from visiting my family in Oakland two nights ago. I hate goodbyes. The feeling I get when I have to say goodbye to my little 6 year old sister just breaks my heart. I know exactly how she feels because when I was younger and my mom would visit me, I dreaded the day she had to go back home. I felt like a piece of me went missing and it just makes me even more sad that my little sister has to go through that. I had to hold in my tears when she started crying and it was one of those cries where she was trying to hold it in but she couldn’t. Oh man, those are the worst. I can’t stand to see her put herself through that. If I could, I would stay with her in Oakland but I also want to stay in my comfort zone, which is here in OC.

Well, on the bright side, my stay in Oakland was amazing. It was so great to see all my family again. Well, this is my stepmom’s side of the family. But I practically grew up with them and they’ve raised me to be the person I am today. They’re more on the younger side too, so there’s that bond that we all have because of our age. My boyfriend accompanied me on this trip and this is probably the second or third time that he’s met my stepmom’s side of the family. I’m really grateful that they treat him like family, which pretty much involves making fun of him and teasing him about how skinny he is, because I want him to feel comfortable around my family. We celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday and the food was so good. It was a potluck so each family brought in their own dish. I made spaghetti and meatballs so that was our dish. We made so much. We had this really big pot of spaghetti back at my stepmom’s house because we already packed all the spaghetti we could on one giant aluminum tray for the potluck. My uncle made the turkey, and honestly, I didn’t eat it because I’m not a big fan of turkey. Other than that, I ate just about everything else. I’m so glad I got to spend the day with all my family, it just makes me appreciate them so much.

On an even brighter note, my stepmom’s boyfriend proposed to her the same night!!! I cried so hard for her. It was such a beautiful moment and I’m so glad I was there when it happened. Her boyfriend, Liew (pronounced Lou) was super nervous the entire party and he gave me the ring to hold the night before so I was itching to give it back to him so he can just propose already. He avoided her the whole night and spent all his time outside while she was inside with her sisters. One of my uncles made it really obvious and went outside and yelled (drunkenly), “What’s taking you so long, Liew!” We were all like oh my gosh, he ruined it, but my stepmom was so oblivious. When it finally happened, it was just about the sweetest thing that I’ve ever seen. I have never seen her blush as badly as she did that night and I’ve never seen Liew cry and get that emotional either. It was so, so beautiful and I’m glad I recorded the whole thing with my phone so I can just look at it anytime.

MEvember

I love November. This is my month. Okay, not really, but I’m turning 18 in a couple of weeks and I am seriously so excited. I don’t even think I have anything big planned out, I just love birthdays. I love the celebration and all the attention I get (sorry if that makes me sound totally narcissistic) but it’s a day where I can soak up all the “happy birthdays” and “may all your wishes come true” statements and feel good about it. This year will be a little different because I won’t be spending it with my family. As of July 5th, I started living with my boyfriend and his mom since my stepmom decided to move to Oakland to be closer to her family. I’m really happy that I’ll get to spend my birthday with him and I’m kind of hoping he’ll plan something special. Does all this make me sound… too needy? I don’t know. I try to be modest and all like, “Oh, no, babe, you don’t have to do anything for me,” but really, who am I kidding? Of course I want you to do something for me! It’s only one day out of the entire year where I get my own day and I’m definitely taking advantage of that. Plus, November is this segue month into all the holidays. All my absolute favorite holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year! Just typing all this down is making me all excited. I’m currently listening to Christmas music right now so I’m really in the holiday mood. Not to mention, it’s also almost the end of the first semester, so yay! I am planning to visit my stepmom a week before my birthday (with my boyfriend because he’s getting pretty close to my family) and we’ll celebrate early. I know a lot of people who say, “Being 18 doesn’t make a difference. It’s just a number. I don’t even feel any older.” I see it differently. Turning 18, I feel a little older. I really do feel the difference. There’s all these things that I can and should do for myself and that’s growing up. For example, I look at my boyfriend, who is 19 years old, and think, “Oh my gosh, he’s going to turn 20.” I mean, I’M going to turn 20 in a two more years. It’s weird to think of that. 20 isn’t that big of a number when I consider how old “old” is but it’s still… old. If that makes sense. Am I even making any sense at all? I don’t know. But I’m really excited for this month. Not to mention, my boyfriend and I are also going to be celebrating our two-year anniversary. The day after my birthday! He was going to ask me to be his girlfriend on the day of my birthday but I’m kind of glad he didn’t because that’s my day! Not “our” day. I think we’re probably just going to go out to Boomers and have a little mini-golf date and a nice dinner. We’re still trying to figure it out now but I know it’ll be wonderful.

Just an Update

I hope I hit the 500 word count mark since I’m doing this on my phone and there’s no word count. My laptop is being extremely dumb right now. It won’t turn on and I’m so frustrated since I spent $500 on it. It’s brand new too. Anyways, I’m kind of stressed out about my spring term. I hope I’m able to get the classes I want and need. As a freshman, I was given priority registration so that was really convenient. However, it’s going to be the second semester and I won’t get that treatment anymore. My registration date is November 14, and it is slowly approaching but I hope the classes I have in my shopping cart will still be available by that time. I’m planning to meet with my advisor tomorrow to get some help on choosing which classes I should take. So far, I have Chicano studies 102, an astronomy lab, dance 101, and reading 290. That’s only 10 units and my boyfriend told me that in order to receive my financial aid money, I need to be a full time student. A full time student takes 12 units and so I need a couple more units to fulfill that. Hopefully, my meeting with my advisor will help clear my cluttered thoughts. I’m excited that I’m almost done with my first year of college. Well, actually, not quite yet but almost! I mean, when one of my professors (I think it was you) mentioned that we’re at week 8, which is the halfway point, I was super surprised. Week 8 is the halfway point?! So that means we have approximately 16 weeks of school? That’s crazy. Why does that seem so short? I remember in high school, the weeks went by slowly and painfully but college is seriously just breezing by. This makes me happy but it is also making me nervous because I know that the older I get (in college years) the harder my classes will be. I’m not a very good scholar, in my opinion. I’m not creative. It’s just not in me to think of creative things and I have a lack of effective communication skills. I know that as the years go on and the more I put myself out there to meet new people and experience new things, that will change. It’s just hard to see things changing when I still feel stuck. I’m still not thinking critically or outside the box. Not to mention, I haven’t made any new friends since I’ve started college. I mean, sure, I’ve met some new people that I have class with but they’re not exactly my friends. They’re just people I’ve met in class, or in line at the Juice it Up truck. I tried joining some clubs but it’s really hard to attend the meetings and events when I don’t have a car. Hopefully that changes next semester because my stepmom did promise me a car by then. My mom also says that she’s going to get me car too but I’ll only believe her when I see it.

Not All Mothers are Moms

I have a mom. Obviously. But I also have a stepmom, whom I have known longer than my biological mom. In reality, my stepmom is more of a mother to me than my own mom. I’ve known my stepmom since I was four years old. Throughout the rest of my life, I’ve seen my own mom in short intervals. That reason being is that she is unstable. I don’t hate my mom, oh god I really don’t, no matter what she does to me. She just can’t hold down a job or a house for very long. She can’t even maintain a long-term phone number. It’s always changing and sometimes I wonder where she gets the money for it. She works in nail salons but that can only make her so much money before she has to stop and save up. That’s her problem, though, she doesn’t know how to save her money. Yet, she has moved three times in the past year. They’re all nice houses too and I just don’t understand why she has to keep changing it. That is why my dad decided that I will live a better, stable life with him than with my mom. Through that decision, I met my best friend at home. She’s quite young, but not too young that it’s creepy that my dad chose her. She’s just young enough to understand the decisions I made throughout my adolescent years without immediately scolding me. She is beyond understanding and she’s so caring. We have established a close relationship throughout the years we’ve known each other. We confide in each other and we don’t judge each other no matter how poorly we behave. She encourages me to be a better person and she constantly boosts my self esteem whenever I’m feeling down. My biological mom has a good reason to be jealous but the choices she’s made to show me that she cares for me only hurt both of us in the end. When I decided that I wanted to live with my stepmom instead of her after my dad passed away, she changed. She constantly reminds me that I am hurting her every day by not staying with her. I can’t get it through her head that I don’t have a future in Arizona. My life is here. She calls me selfish for thinking that way because she thinks she gave up everything for me. She calls me her favorite child but how can she say that when I have four other siblings? She tells me she wishes God takes her away like how He took away my Dad because she doesn’t want to live without me. I can’t even describe the anger and bitterness I feel every time she says that. Yes, she didn’t say it once. She has said it multiple times. She wants me to live with her, I understand that, but I don’t want to live with her not because I don’t love her, but because in order for me to take care of her, I have to take care of myself first. It’s going to take time and she insists that there is still time for her to take care of me but I’m all grown up. Well, 17 is not exactly the “grown-up” age but I have already learned to act like an adult. By living with her, I’m only going to be taking care of my younger siblings. That’s not how I want to start my life. She doesn’t understand that and she never will. We haven’t had a good conversation for over 3 months and it sucks because my stepmom is also terminally ill. All I’ll have left is my mom. And if she can’t be there for me, then who will?

Skipping Classes

So I skipped class today. Both of them. I skipped one last week as well. I mean, I know I shouldn’t because I’m paying for these classes so I shouldn’t waste my money and just go. Actually, I got financial aid so a part of me doesn’t feel that crushed when I don’t go to class. This is what college is about. There’s no one else but me to motivate myself to get an education. In a way, I love that I’m not forced to go to school and that I get to be independent. I know this isn’t the way to establish that, but it was just so easy. In high school, if I skipped class then there would be a call home to my parents and more consequences after that if I continue to skip class. Today, I skipped my psychology and my astronomy class. I have an exam for both classes on Monday and so attending class this week was probably important. I’m already struggling in both of those classes and I know that just because I don’t understand it, I should still go. It’s just hard for me to feel motivated to go to class and sit in a lecture that I don’t understand. I think about going to my professors’ office hours but I stop myself because then I wouldn’t know where to start. I wouldn’t know what to ask or explain what I don’t understand. I dread Mondays and Wednesdays because of those two classes and a part of me just wish that I didn’t have to go at all. On the other hand, it makes my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays a lot more fun because they’re easier to comprehend. Math and English are those subjects where it’s just easy to understand and if I had questions about those classes, I would know where to start asking questions. In astronomy and psychology, it’s difficult because those subjects are so broad. There are so many different ways to get the right answer and so that’s why I find it hard to find a place to begin. At first, I was excited to be in class like astronomy. I was looking forward to learning about the many different constellations and how our universe works. After the first few sessions, I was completely lost. I didn’t know how long it took the Moon to orbit our Earth or how many light seconds there is in a kilometer. It was all so confusing and the longer I sat in class, the more I was freaking out. I got really anxious at the beginning of class and I dreaded sitting there for an hour and fifteen minutes every Mondays and Wednesdays. Now that I’m blogging about this, I should really take action. You know what, I’m going to go to my professors’ office hours and really take the time to discuss what I don’t understand. I know that it’s kind of too late because the exams are on Monday, but now I know. I really shouldn’t wait this long to ask for help. A lot of people warned me about this about college. Maybe I’ll fail on Monday but I know for sure that I won’t the next exam after that.

Another Chance

I’ve never really taken the chance to blog about my feelings. Maybe it’s because I just don’t think anyone cares enough to read it. I’m also afraid that someone I’m friends with, or used to be friends with, will come across it and judge me. So instead, I save them in my drafts. This time; however, I feel like I’m given the opportunity to start over and really talk about myself. No one else in my group of friends use WordPress because they’re all too busy using Tumblr. Honestly, the one person that I don’t want to see my new blog is my boyfriend. He sees my Tumblr and that’s really enough. I limit myself there because if I suddenly blog about how I’m frustrated, or upset then it makes our relationship complicated. We get into those silent arguments where we don’t speak to each other because he knows I’m upset at him through my tumblr but I’m over here like, “I reblogged it because it was relevant to how I was feeling at the time. Plus, you did piss me off so that was perfect timing. But that doesn’t mean I want to get into an argument with you!” I want to be able to express my feelings without having to deal with an upset boyfriend that feels like he needs to fix everything. I just want to let it out and know that I’ll feel better in a couple hours, even without taking actions to fix my feelings. I hope that makes sense. I’m not sure how to explain it really. It’s just refreshing to post something and know who is not going to read it. It gives me a sense of freedom and independence. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have my boyfriend know every reason why I get upset so that we can fix it. The problem is, he doesn’t know how to so that makes things more complicated and we both end up even more upset. It gets really stressful sometimes, but I stick it through because I don’t think it’s worth it to be upset at him when he’s only trying his best to fix it the only way he knows how. Just being able to type all this and know he won’t read this really clears up my head. It makes me feel like myself. And this gives me a chance to learn more about who I am as a person. I want to discover myself through this and I hope in time, I will be able to. I’m glad you (Professor Dickinson) assigned us to this type of assignment. When I first heard about it, I was kind of hesitant because I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about. But I find myself thinking about something, or feeling a certain way and I just want to log onto WordPress and blog about it. It’s like killing two birds with one stone. I get to express how I feel and I also get a good grade for it. This really is awesome. I can’t wait to look back at these posts when I’m older and see how far I have developed.

In Memory of Corona

I had a little chihuahua-yorkie mix dog for over almost a year. She turned one on July 3rd, 2014 and she was the first dog I’ve ever taken care of. My stepmom offered to buy a little dog for me last year so we both looked online and in PennySavers to see what piqued our interest. We finally found something online about a teacup chihuahua for $200. We saw pictures and we found out that teacups never grow any bigger than maybe the size of your palm. I was so excited to take care of a little dog that will never grow so my stepmom allowed me to go with my cousin to go pick our new family member. On the way to pick up my little girl, my cousin and I were talking about what we should name her. I was thinking, “Well, we’re driving to Corona, so why not name her Corona?” I thought it was a pretty cool name and so her name was Corona. When I met up with the guy who had Corona, I was beyond ecstatic to hold her. She was so tiny!! And she had these big chihuahua ears that made her look like an alien. She was the cutest little thing ever and I fell in love instantly. By the way, she was not a teacup! She ended up growing bigger and bigger and her hair got really long around her face. She looked less and less like a chihuahua and more like a yorkie. She was still so cute though. Over the months, I’ve learned just how difficult and expensive it is to take care of a new pet. I took her to get her shots and I bought food and pee pads for her almost every other week. It was hectic! Luckily, I had the help of my family and they were very supportive. Unfortunately, I’ve also learned that I have a hard time committing to pets. They’re cute and shiny the first couple months but I wasn’t committed enough to make time for her and I ended up giving her to my cousin. I feel horrible about it now because I wish I spent more time with her. When I got the call yesterday that she got hit by a car and didn’t survive, my heart caved in. The feeling of loss was too familiar and I was devastated that another family member of mine passed away. It was hard not to feel guilty at first because I felt like if I was more committed to taking care of her, she would be watched constantly; therefore, she would not have the opportunity to run out into the streets and get into an accident. I knew there was no way of knowing something like could be prevented but it’s hard for me to forgive myself. I should have continued to care for her and overcome that obstacle of time management. I loved Corona and I know she loved me too by the way she would get excited and jump and wheezed when I visited her at my cousin’s. I know she is in a better place now and I just wish I learned to take care of her better. Rest in peace to the one pet that taught me to be more patient and responsible. I’ll love you always.